What to do when a child tell about sexual abuse

What to do When a Child Tells About Sexual Abuse: What protective adults need to know

Three quarters of children who are sexually abused do not tell anyone about it and many keep their secret all their lives. Sexual abusers are more likely to be people we know, and could well be people we care about; after all more than 8 out of 10 children who are sexually abused know their abuser.  They are family members or friends, neighbours or babysitters – many hold responsible positions in society. The closer the relationship between the abuser and the victim, the less likely they are to talk about it.
Children often show us rather than tell us that something is upsetting them so being aware of the signs is vital. However, children may give vague hints that something is happening. Their information may not be clear and they may not have the words to explain what is happening to them. The way adults respond to this is vital to ensuring the child’s safety.

Respond with care and urgency

If you think a child is trying to tell you about a sexually abusive situation, respond promptly and with care. The police and children’s social services have joint working arrangements for responding to suspected child sexual abuse. They are experienced in this work and will deal sensitively with the child and family.

Believe the child

If a child trusts you enough to tell you about abuse, you must remember that they rarely lie about such things. Although it may be hard to believe that someone we trust or care about is capable of sexually abusing a child, it’s highly unlikely that a child would deliberately make false accusations about adult-like sexual behaviours.
The pressures on the child to keep silent are enormous. It takes tremendous courage to talk about abuse. A child’s claim that sexual abuse did not happen (when it actually did), or taking back a disclosure of abuse are common. Sometimes the child’s account of what happened changes or evolves over time. This is a common pattern for disclosure and should not invalidate their story.

Be supportive

It is important that they feel supported – don’t dismiss their claims or put them off talking about it.

Stay calm

If they are talking to you about it, don’t get angry. Stay calm and steady. If you get angry the child may think you are going to punish them – this will play into the hands of the abuser who warned the child not to tell.

Be caring

Make sure the child knows you love them and that they have done nothing wrong – and keep telling them. The child will need to see that adults believe them and they are doing all they can to protect them. Make sure the child knows they were right to talk about it and that you are glad they came to you.

Finding support for ourselves

As protective parents and caregivers, we also need support.  Connecting with whom we can share our feelings will help us cope with the trauma and the challenges we face.

Intervening with the person who has sexually abused

The person who has sexually abused a child needs to be held accountable and get specialized professional help. The local police or children’s services are often best placed to take the next steps. Should you choose not to contact them, and if it is safe, consider speaking directly to the person who has offended.
Some points to keep in mind when speaking with someone who has or may have abused:

• Explore the situation in a non-accusatory, non-confrontational way. This may help to reduce the person’s defensiveness.
• Be specific about the behaviours that concern you and state your reactions to them.
• Ask simple and direct questions.
• Let the person know that there is help available; individuals can and have gone on to live abuse-free lives by first taking responsibility for the harm they’ve done, facing the consequences of their actions, and committing themselves to change and to specialized treatment.
• If you feel it, let the person know that you care about them.  Loving support can be an important factor in getting someone to take responsibility, face consequences and get treatment.